April 25, 2003
God is doing a new thing. A new thing as old as time, actually.
He is awakening in me a desire to know Him like I've never known Him before. I decided a year ago I wanted to be a God chaser, and I chased Him. Some.
But slowly over this past year and especially through the "Bow the Knee" musical, He has taken that spark and ignited it into a deep hunger that won't be satisfied with a mere taste of His presence.
No, I know better now. I feel like I've been with Him, and I know what it feels like. There is no going back.
It's affecting every thought and action. My introspection is no longer focused on myself, how I'm doing, if I'm growing, how I feel.
It's on Him. It's on just how close I can get to Him. Can I reach out and touch His face without my hand burning up? Can I look into His eyes and not go blind?
Someone said in class a few nights ago that we are too familiar with God. That our 'ease' with Him makes us disrespectful. I can't swallow that one. The non-confrontational side of me wants to fudge and say, "Oh, well I can understand what you mean..." but the truth is, I can't.
I can't believe God wants to hold me at arms' length. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to saunter up to the Almighty and quip, "Yo, big daddy, whussup?" I don't mean the kind of familiarity that loses sight of Who He is.
I mean the kind a child has with a parent who loves beyond all reason. The kind that grows out of a love that sent His only Son to die so I could run up to Him and cry Abba, Father! and jump into His arms.
He showed up tonight. I knew He would. He returned my song as I lifted it up to Him and He smiled at me. I asked Him to be there and He came.