Waking Up (Five Minute Friday)

I wake up numerous times in the night. Most of those times I feel uneasy, like I'm inwardly afraid something is wrong, or something is going to happen. I was hoping these nights were behind me.

Since I picked up One Thousand Gifts, life has been different. The moments have been lighter, more hopeful. I've been enjoying the feeling of peace that has infused my waking hours. It's been good not to feel the Enemy breathing down my neck.

But he isn't finished with me yet.

For me, it will be a matter of finding the most efficient way to keep myself reminded that I do not belong to him, that my life and my moments belong to the One who knit me together, the One who is enough. The one who makes it true how perfect love casts out all fear.

I want to wake up singing.

Do you read me?

Can being completely overwhelmed bring about something great? If not, don't tell me. I almost have myself convinced it will, so don't mess it up.

Maybe I should explain. I feel like I'm going through this metamorphosis (why is that word so difficult to type?) of sorts with regard to my blogging, and just my writing in general. I've been blogging for somewhere around ten years. That's a lot of years, right? You'd think ten years would be plenty of time to find your niche, yes?

Confession: I've started to wonder what is wrong with me.

The big problem is that there is just too much swimming around in this gourd at once. I want to write about everything! About having a lovely marriage even after nearly 31 years, and being madly in love with being a mama for 30 years (and a Mimi for more than 10), and about the highs and lows and all-in-between of homeschooling after walking the home education road for 23 years, and encouraging women--I mean, I've been one my whole life! And then there is friendship and mentoring and...well, see what I mean? Just too much. There is no focus, no little cubbyhole to sink nicely into and just fit!

Am I serious, or funny, or artistic? Is it possible to be all of the above? What does that even look like? What is going on that I suddenly find myself shrieking like a madwoman, "I want to write about that! And that! Oh, yes, and that!" I want to photograph everything in my world and share it (well, maybe not the kitchen floor right now), to capture in somewhat poetic wording this beauty, this craze, this wild and wooly and wonderful life--and all in a way that will draw and intrigue and encourage readers all over the globe.

I don't want much, do I?

I mean, it isn't like millions of us wouldn't adore doing that, right? I envision those poor unfortunate souls who happened across this entry today thinking, "Wow, lady. So you want to be a famous writer. Don't we all?"

And it isn't really even that I want to be famous (although I would be okay with that). It's more that I want to know that my words matter. To somebody. To anybody. That something I say impacts someone, makes a difference, brings a smile or a tear, makes a day brighter, challenges someone to think more deeply or share more openly or trust more willingly or guard a heart more carefully or live more gratefully.

So here I sit, pecking away at the keyboard and wondering if anyone will see this and if it will resound with another person somewhere on this big orb and form a connection, even a tiny one.

I'm thinking I might need to give up the dream of the email that pops into my inbox with, "Hey, we'd like you to write for us!" But I do know that I will never be able to give up the dream of being a writer. Because a writer, I am, because I write. Whether anyone ever reads it or not is really secondary to doing what God has called me to do, what He knit into my fabric at the forming.

And I suppose that as long as I'm going what He says to do, I can't go wrong. Right?

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. I Thess. 5:11

Accounting (188-204)

I smiled today as I wrote gift #203 in my One Thousand Gifts journal, seeing as how I'm one-fifth from the (first) 1,000 and have only used a few scant pages of the journal. So many more pages to fill, and I will. And then another journal and another after that. Hopefully there will be many more to fill in the remaining number of my days.

Ann writes of her days being numbered, and how the accounting hearts are the ones that keep track. I frown to think of how much I dislike math, and I'm pretty sure it hates me back.

Is that why I feel so bewildered today? Not depressed, exactly, just...down. Is it hormones, or a streak of sadness that this is the second birthday boy in two weeks I can't see on his day? Or is it a simple lack of accounting, and does this mean I need to learn to like math?

If I can count past one thousand, is that enough?

And the list grows and grows...

188. Beautiful friend held in God's arms, healed and whole and Home
189. Church bells ringing, carried on a March breeze to my bedroom window
190. Words of appreciation from a daughter's heart
191. Loving personal messages from Ann, full of grace
192. Ann's and the OTG community's sweet promise of prayer
193. Moon, beautiful moon, so very close
194. Creative-minded daughter redesigning her swimsuit
195. Clothes to mend (since I've got the sewing stuff out anyway...)
196. Moments to tell our whole church at once about One Thousand Gifts--a gift that continues to build into lives and turn eyes and hearts to Him
197. Waking in the night snuggled up to a beautiful girl-baby, little chest rising and falling in sweet rhythm, hair soft and wispy. Being a Mimi is moon-big joy.
198. An evening of hot chocolate and words woven and time spent with my beloved
199. Delighting in being faithful with the little things, just loving on the people along my path
200. The lyrics to "Take My Life and Let It Be"
201. Texting love notes back and forth with my husband
202. Pork in the crock pot simmering for a pulled-pork supper
203. Telling God He is good even when what's happening isn't
204. Middle child, cherished child, twenty today

Clarity

One of the biggest hurdles in blogging for me can be narrowing down what I want to write about in a single entry. Most of the time there is so much dashing around in my head it's hard to sort it all out. This would be one of those times.

I continue to be amazed at how God brings clarity and confirmation. Sometimes He brings the same verse or passage from different sources. Sometimes He brings a similar (or even identical) message from different people. Sometimes something I read matches a strong feeling I've had for a while; this has happened a lot since I discovered several amazing blogs through the study of One Thousand Gifts. I am grateful, too, for this discovery that has enriched my life in numerous ways.

Between gas prices and dance competitions, yesterday was the first time we were able to go to Element in about a month. I love the way God brought so many things together within the hour or so we were there. Bobby is an epic teacher, and the worship songs we did were spot on for messages that flowed perfectly with things God has been putting on my heart over the past several weeks.

This is the part where I stop for a minute and yank myself out of editorially correct mode and give some thought to writer's voice. I'm probably not supposed to actually include this, but whatever. Hopefully as time goes on I will get better at mixing the creative with the corrective and these public service announcements will be a thing of the past. It could happen.

I'm reading One Thousand Gifts again, this time more slowly and with no set pace. I enjoyed keeping pace with the Bloom Book Club discussion and videos, but now I'm going back to savor and dig deeper and see what I may have missed the first time through. I'm about halfway through chapter two, and I'm already finding things I want to underline (not surprising, since I didn't snap and start underlining the first time through until chapter four). I plan to do a bit more blogging during this second reading at Every Moment Fully Alive.

Twenty

He's 20 today, our third son, middle child, fulcrum of the family.

Mothering him is joy.

He decided to be a home birth, and almost didn't even wait for the midwife.

I was delighted that he was here, and safe, and beautiful.

I won't ever forget the sweetness in his little-boy smile.

He gave his all to everything he did, always.

And then grinned really big when it paid off.

 

He has always looked for, and found, ways to serve.

When he felt God's calling on his life toward music ministry, he grabbed on and never looked back.

We've all learned much from him, all been blessed by his love and wisdom.

We praise our God for the day he was born.

Watching him grow into such a Godly young man has been a present straight from God's hand.

And I can't even imagine what amazing things God has in store for his life.

But we do know that whatever he does, 

he will be serving God and praising Him with every breath.

Thank you, God for our Moose, my Sam,

our Trevor (prudence) Joel (God will be willing).

(however that "prudence" might look at any given moment...

with him, you can never tell)

No matter what, we know that God will always be willing

to use this boy for His glory.

Happy 20th birthday, my sweet boy.

Love, Mama

Pointless Rambling

One of my favorite things about Ann Voskamp's writing is that she makes me think. She puts thoughts out there that refuse to leave you comfortable and content. She challenges. In turn we take the challenge and then turn and challenge others, and it spreads out like ripples and the world is changed. I guess we really can change the world, if only one ripple at a time.

God provided a rather timely opportunity this morning at Element. The question was posed and the floor opened up to any who wanted to share what God had been doing in our lives over the past six weeks or so. It was last call, and before I could stop it, my hand went up and Bobby nodded. I stood up and did my best to condense the joy and impact and change that One Thousand Gifts has brought. It was hard to keep it brief, and I honestly can't even remember all of what I said (only that there was so much more I wanted to say but there wasn't time). I had to smile when I sat back down and Bobby grinned and said I had led perfectly into his message as though we had planned it that way. We didn't, but Someone did.

His wife shared with me a little later that she hadn't had an opportunity to pick up a copy of the book since I had told her about it a few weeks back, and when she opened her birthday present from her mom-in-law this past week, she gasped to find the book in the wrapping. Stumbling over her words, she tried to express how she had wanted this book badly, and how excited she was to receive it. I can't wait for her to get into it.

This feels like a rather aimless blog entry, but who knows? maybe God will do something with it.

Steve and I are alone tonight, sipping hot chocolate and sitting back-to-back at our computers here in the office. Matt is working five days this week, so he was off to Jeff's again after church. It's the end of Spring Break week, but there's another day off from school for Rosie's dance friends tomorrow, so that means one last beach trip. She redesigned one of her swimsuits this afternoon and I helped her sew it and then she was off, silky hair bouncing against her back on her way to the door. She is beautiful.

There are moments lately when I feel really overwhelmed. Not that being overwhelmed is anything new to me, really. Andrea's passing has had me pensive. She was really young to now be gone. What a legacy she left, praising God every moment without faltering. There's a lot to be learned, both from the way she lived and the way she died. I've asked myself internally over and over in the past four days if I could be so gracious in those shoes. I want to believe I could. I don't want to find out, but I know one day I will.

Tomorrow's blogging should have more purpose, more direction. I actually have some notes I made today for tomorrow's entry. Thankfully they aren't all as pointless as this one.

Five Minute Friday: On Waiting

Topic: On Waiting

Funny how I sit here waiting for words to come and nothing immediately pops into my head, so I start typing and hoping something will, kind of a literary fake-it-till-you-make-it. I've never cared much for waiting, but God has really done some rearranging in my heart in that area and I have found it's a little easier knowing that good things generally do come to those who wait. I did read once that the follow-up to that saying, though, is "...but only what's left behind by those who hustle", which I admit also has merit. Waiting to exhale...lady-in-waiting...waiting room...what are we waiting for? I've been asked that with regard to the book I'm supposed to be working on. I'm waiting on God. That sounds totally nose-in-the-clouds, but I assure you it is anything but. I keep hoping He will give me some kind of undeniable sign of exactly the pathway, a picture of the road sign, maybe, of the approach for this thing. And still I wait. And pray. And wait.

Time's up. (Shew!)